While being in a relationship is portrayed as hand holdy, sunset watchy
romantic bliss, the word single evokes images of frozen meals for one,
drunkenly singing Celine Dion’s ‘All By Myself’ and multiple feline
companions. In reality though, there are more types of singletons than
the Bridget Jones mould.
The ‘Fresh From a Break Up’ Single:
The only time singledom will reflect the grim stereotype is when one
is suddenly thrust into the Big Bad World of Being Single, after exiting
The Land of the Loved Up. To help them navigate these new, murky
waters, this singleton will turn to the help of trusty matwa: Wine,
Tequila and Vodka (a rather tasty combination). Human friends are
neglected in favour of sitting at home listening to Adele and casually
stalking their former lover’s Facebook page for hours. Fortunately for
most, this level of pathetic is unsustainable for long periods of time.
The ‘On a Sex Rampage’ Single:
Commonly referred to as the ‘player’, this singleton is set on one
destination: your pants. And then the pants of the person next to you.
Maybe they’re damaged, maybe they think they’re God’s gift to the world
or maybe they just like to bone. In extreme cases, these species have
even been known to send pictures of their genitals as part of the hunt.
While some may refer to their behavior as ‘sleazy’ and ‘kind of gross’, one
can’t help but admire the determined yet emotionally distant finesse they
bring to the mating game.
The ‘Actually Taken’ Single:
For all intents and purposes, this singleton is in a relationship but one
that is yet to be ‘official’. They engage in shitty relationship behaviours,
like being surgically attached to their phone, blowing off friends for their
dude/lady friend and sporting a smug ‘I’ve found someone’ superiority.
Yet when you’re out with them and ‘Single Ladies’ starts playing, they’re
up on the dance floor pretending like they don’t have someone who
might want to Put A Ring On It. Oh hell no, I ain’t standin’ for that
shit! Sit back down and pick a lane, buddy. You’re confusing everyone.
The ‘Pretending To Be Happy About It’ Single:
This singleton seemingly has their life sorted, but underneath their selfassured
exterior lies an insecure soul who will only be truly complete
when they find their ‘special someone’. Nights out are spent obsessively
scouring the room for potential future lovers while loudly proclaiming
that “Being single is so much fun!” Yet when they go home to stare
longingly at couples in romantic comedies, while pinning photos to their
‘My Dream Wedding’ board on Pinterest, it becomes apparent that it’s
not much fun after all.
The ‘Genuinely Loving Life’ Single:
This singleton is actually pretty chill about the whole single thing.
Relationship schmelationship, they’ve got some solid mates, interesting
hobbies and a generally positive future outlook. Maybe someone will
come along, but they need to be, quite simply, The Best Person Ever.
This singleton is so content with their freedom that they may even be
found singing along to the musical genius of Jason Derulo – “I’m solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, I’m riding, solo, solo”.
These types are by no means mutually exclusive. A singleton will
typically move from one to the next, sometimes happily but always with
the help of wine and cats.