Dear Chancellor Alan Finkel & Co.,
We were thrilled to hear that you have recently awarded an honorary Doctorate of Laws to big businessman John Gandel.
Bold moves such as this are an important part of the Monash tradition of bequeathing honorary degrees on notorious and powerful figures such as that awarded to Victorian State Premier Henry “The Hangman” Bolte back in the 1967.
Cementing Monash Uni’s world-class relationship with the private sector should be a priority in a difficult financial environment and we applaud you and your Senior Management colleagues for your initiative.
However, while bestowing such a prestigious degree upon Gandel is certainly a step in the right direction, we think it is time for Monash to expand its business relationships further. We believe that you need to be even bolder.
Now that we have cemented our close ties to Melbourne’s richest person, we think it’s time for Monash to go national and honour Australia’s richest individual: Gina Rinehart.
Through sheer hard-work and brilliant entrepreneurship, Rinehart has been the key driving force behind the Australian economy for decades.
Her wealth far surpasses Gandel’s meagre billions, and a close relationship with her could provide Monash with a mountain of resources to potentially fund increased salaries for our hard-working Senior Management team, consultants and lawyers who all do their best to keep Monash profitable in the difficult circumstances of the 21st century.
It is important to note that Rinehart is not just about digging holes and selling coal. As the biggest shareholder of Fairfax media, she also stands for diverse big business interests.
Moreover, Rinehart is 100% committed to expanding mining in our State. She owns almost 20% of Lakes Oil, which is planning dangerous but nonetheless exciting coal seam gas operations in Victoria.
Recently we saw Western Australian Universities put Monash to shame in bonding with Rinehart’s miner friend Andrew Forrest who gave them tens of millions in donations for research.
In contrast, Monash has only been able to secure $5 million from two mining corporations for its new-fangled Division of Mining this year.
A relationship with Rinehart would complement Monash’s already existing partnership with the Coal Industry, which includes having former coal mining boss Ian Nethercote on our University Council.
Potential degrees for Rinehart might include: Business, Economics, Politics or even Journalism.
In summary, Monash must expedite its relationship with Australia’s greatest mining hero, or risk falling behind other Universities. We implore you to go more boldly.
Yours in brilliance,
Monash students everywhere