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My love/hate relationship with the radio

 

In 50 years time, our children will tell us that they wished they wished they lived in the 2010s because of the amazing music we had at the time. Here are 12 reasons to convince them otherwise:

1. “Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat” by Fatboy Slim
Yes it’s that generic, techno club beat where you don’t need to have heard the song before to dance to it, but have you actually listened to the lyrics? While they’re not profound and earth-shattering, they’re good for one hell of a laugh. The whole song consists of mini stories like, “I like your waitress, she looks pretty hot//so I got her by the arm//and I drag her out on to the street//and I gave her to this homeless guy//and he gave me all this crack”. Even though the song is make of that dull thump of a beat, to say that lyrics like this don’t make you crack a smile is sure to be a terrible lie.

2. “Midnight Memories” by One Direction
For those people who absolutely despise these boys, and every word that comes out of their (and it pains me to admit this) beautiful mouths, there’s no denying that we can relate to this song’s video clip. I mean, a midnight trip to a kebab shop? If you can honestly say that you haven’t done this, I will be very surprised… and a little disappointed. You’ve been missing out. No matter how much you hate these boys, (or maybe you love them, how would I know?) being able to finally relate to something they do, like going out, getting marinated, then gorging yourself on greasy food, hits a soft spot. Extra garlic sauce please.

3. “Jessica” by Major Lazer (ft. Ezra Koenig)
So different to all of Major Lazer’s other work, “Jessica” is one of those songs that after listening to twenty times, I still can’t decide whether or not I like. It’s got that beachy vibe with a kind of hypnosis, and whenever it comes on my iPod, I find myself unable to change the song; like I’m in some kind of trace. And still, I’m unsure if that spell it puts me under is what I love or hate about the track. Maybe I should give it another listen… that’ll help me decide…

4. “Say Something” by A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera
Never have I heard a song that makes me physically want to punch a wall, and simultaneously feel that my broken knuckles were well worth it. Who thought that such an emotionally charged pop song was a great idea? Also, who thought that bringing Christina Aguilera into the mix would be an equally riveting move. To give you a picture as to how emotional this song is, a girl at my work had to go home in tears because it came on our work playlist. You don’t need that kind of depression in the workplace. You don’t need that while you’re driving to uni, because you have a 9am. Get this rubbish off our charts as soon as possible because it’s bringing down the entire world.

5. “Happy” by Pharrell
Remember when Pharrell used to be good? Gone are the N.E.R.D days where he brought the world with a beautiful mix of rap/funk, he’s gone full commercial. Even if you don’t agree with that, at least you can understand that the lyrics aren’t his best work. “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof” Pharrell. Please. I’m never going to be happy whilst listening to this song. In fact, every time this song comes on the radio, I go full ninja to change the channel. The sooner it’s out of my life, the happier I’ll be. That’s what Pharrell should have been singing about

6. “Royals” by Lorde
Apparently we loved it enough to let it come in second for last year’s Triple J Hottest 100, but how many of us screamed with joy to hear it didn’t get the number one spot? For me, though it’s cooled down a little on the Lorde front, I’m sick of hearing this song everywhere I go. But for some reason, whenever I do hear it, I have to sing along. Don’t deny it; you do it too. You may not know all the lyrics, but the ones you do know you either belt out in a shocking voice, or whisper in your head, afraid that someone might figure out what you’re up to.

7. “Timber” by Pitbull feat. Ke$ha
On paper, it shouldn’t work. Two of pop’s most hated musicians are together to make a faux-country pop song. This was the song that was the prelude to their global combined concert tour, which unfortunately got cancelled in Australia (May it Rest In Peace). Listening to this makes my anxiety levels go up, it’s that stressful of a song. The main question is, why is Pitbull (or Mr. Worldwide) a legitimate recording artist? He could rap the same verse twice and I wouldn’t even know (or care). Ke$ha’s involvement in this song adds a whole new dimension of trashy that even Mr. 305 can’t produce. That’s what makes me love this song. Nothing will stop me blasting it at the traffic lights and staring down anyone who cringes.

8. “Jump” by Rihanna
Hey, remember “Pony” by Ginuwine? Well I hope you didn’t like it too much, because Rihanna ruined it in her new song. She murdered it, and then resurrected it to do some weird sex act, and then murdered it again. From the weird Skrillex type breakdown after every chorus, to the bizarre rap coda, and the actual horrific autotune, it’s hard to imagine that this was ever considered a good idea. I’ve read reviews; this is apparently the best song on her album. I’m as shocked as you are. As for the whole liking part, there is no emotion or feeling. I feel the same way about this song as I do about exams; a massive nope. This song is like being stuck in an aural torture chamber for 4 minutes and 22 seconds.

9. “Rude” by Magic!
Let’s be honest, if some beanie wearing, weedy looking reggae musician asked for permission to marry my daughter, I would probably say no. The parent in question knows what’s up. The lyrics in this song are downright cringe-worthy. “Why you gotta be so rude// Don’t you know I’m human too?” Okay Magic!, Okay. Once you get used to the whole Bob Marley thing they’ve got going on, they introduce the guitar solo. That is when a part of my soul died. It is probably the whiniest, clingiest and most unnecessary song I’ve heard in a while. I guess by the 1000th time on the radio, it becomes tolerable. However, the world didn’t need this. I’m sorry for being so rude, Magic! Please don’t write a song about me.

10. “She Looks So Perfect” by 5 Seconds Of Summer
There is a new generation of boy bands around. Gone are the synchronised dance moves and their generic image; it’s all about individuality. Enter 5 Seconds of Summer. They are Australia’s answer to One Direction, posting “hilarious” videos of them being themselves and composing songs that would make any 13 year old girl squeal. Back when 5SOS supported One Direction on their global “Take Me Home” tour, no one really knew who they were, except as this hybrid One Direction/All Time Low cover band. Fast forward 4 months and they’ve reached number 1 in 39 countries. This song is actually amazing. It’s the perfect mix of pop rock and playfulness that keeps the 13 year olds happy, and the rest of the world shamefully in love (the drummer is mine).

11. “Trumpets” by Jason Derulo
This is a safe space; you can admit it. You danced to this song at least once. The weird mushy and sexual lyrics may make you want to pour sulphuric acid in your ears, but when those trumpets go, it’s too hard to not bop your head. The words are easy enough to remember, which makes it all the worse when you find yourself singing along. But, hey, if a song that mentions Katy Perry’s bra has enough juice to make me dance along, I ain’t gonna complain. However Jason, it is weird to hear trumpets when you get turned on. Please see a doctor as soon as possible.

12. “Braveheart” by Neon Jungle
“Ichi. Ni. San…. KAISU!”
Britain’s new girl group has debuted onto the international music scene with this dance track. Neon Jungle are the new generation’s Little Mix. But with identity issues. It has so many pop concepts that it’s had to take it seriously. However, it is trashy, and therefore perfect. Bad rapping? Check. Bad dubstep breakdowns? Check. Weird Japanese catchphrase that makes no sense? Check. Lyrics that were probably written by a 4 year old? Check. This song gives Ke$ha and Pitbull a run for their money. The best thing is, this song is new. So get ready for your ears to bleed for the next three months (at least). Enjoy!

Image Credits to rissy.janee @ flickr

Authors of the piece: Kashmi Ranasinghe and Layla Homewood

Lot's Wife

The author Lot's Wife

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