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Making News at Monash

Rachael Welling brings you the news from the week that definitely, absolutely happened.

Student Walking Through Campus Centre During Election Week Just Really Had To Call Their Mum

A Monash Clayton Student has today apologised after urgently needing to make a phone call as they walked through the Campus Centre on the first day of the MSA Student Elections.

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, was seen hurriedly making a phone call at the exact moment they were approached by campaigners.

“I was actually looking forward to being swamped with flyers and questions as to whether or not I’ve voted,” the student has told Lot’s Wife. “But I also really wanted to know what Mum was making for dinner and had to make the call.”

The student lamented that they often struggled to engage with the campaigners, “I want to talk to them but, you know, sometimes I’ll just be listening to some really loud music and not hear them, or I just won’t even see them. Their shirts aren’t eye-catching enough!”

“They probably think I’m deliberately ignoring them or avoiding eye contact, but I’m not, and I’m sorry.”

Jaffy who didn’t get into UniMelb Adamant He Preferenced Monash First

Former Xavier Student and Equestrian Team Captain of 2016, Ben Westinghouse, 19, has spent much of his first year at university insisting he listed Monash as his first preference.

“The culture at Monash is just much more authentic,” he said after only a few months at the suburban university. “People here just don’t care about status, you know?”

Westinghouse received an ATAR of 71.5, and despite not gaining entry into a Bachelor of Commerce at the University of Melbourne (the alumnus of his father, grandfather and great-grandfather), he has been heard loudly reporting that UniMelb isn’t as prestigious as it used to be.

“I definitely prefer Clayton to Carlton,” Westinghouse said as he tearfully tucked into a $12 chicken wrap. “None of that overpriced stuff here.”

Westinghouse is currently studying a Bachelor of Commerce, and hopes to major in Management.

Student Recovering After Attempting To Drink Value of their Ball Ticket

First-year Engineering Student Byron ‘Bubbsy’ March, 18, is recovering from a misguided attempt to drink the value of his ticket at a recent faculty ball event.

March reportedly claimed to be ‘putting [his] Maths skills to use’ by calculating the number of alcoholic drinks he would need to consume at the event to make a profit on his ticket. Lot’s Wife also understands March’s friends informed him on the night that ‘pres (sic) don’t count’.

After an overnight stay in a local hospital, March is apparently unharmed, though he told reporters outside that he has a ‘banger of a headache’ but that he was glad he made the attempt.

“This is what Engineering is all about,” March said. “Real world applications of Maths and stuff.”

When asked what score he attained in Engineering Mathematics (ENG1005), March responded with “49N”

Ghost of Sir John Monash Glad to be Remembered Fondly but also Somewhat Confused By ‘Meme’ Status, Memes in General

The incorporeal ghost of Sir John Monash, namesake to Monash University, has expressed gratitude at being remembered by the Monash community, though he is admittedly ‘a trifle perplexed by it all’.

In an exclusive interview with Lot’s Wife this week, Sir John Monash was asked for his opinion on his status as a ‘meme’ on popular Facebook pages such as Ancaro Memeparo and Monash Stalkerspace.

“Pardon, what is a ‘meme’?” the ghost of Sir John Monash responded.

Sir John Monash has recently risen in popularity for his well-known and memorable mantra, ‘Equip yourself not for life, but for the whole community or something [need to fact check this]’ and the commandeering but not imposing commemorative statue of his likeness near Menzies Building.

“It’s all well and good that the younglings are remembering their forebears,” Sir John Monash said. “Though I think they are misunderstanding the meaning of the term. I am not literally their ‘daddy’, and am confused as to why I am being referred to as such.”

Rachael Welling

The author Rachael Welling

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