Hey there, Patrollers.
It’s summer here in the capitalist wasteland of Monash Clayton, and it’s all going down at the Monash Student Association (MSA). The hallways (and the President’s office) have undergone an urgently needed paint job, a 12-year incumbency has been ousted, and the fluorescent lights are shining as bright as the sun that never shines on our hallowed halls.
But wait – what is the MSA?
The MSA is the student union at Monash Clayton. It’s run (supposedly) by students for (supposedly) students, providing essential services like parties and free food, as well as taking a stand for student rights wherever they’re trampled on. Your elected student office bearers – “hacks”, as they love being called – are going to be held to account this year by your dedicated Patrol Team here at Hack Patrol.
Here’s what’s been making news in the past month:
The incoming Environment and Social Justice (ESJ) officers have discovered that their office houses some very dark and very negative Trot* energy. Hack Patrol understands the office was found to contain holes in the walls, stains covering every visible surface, and a coffee mug containing a 2-inch thick green growth. Patrollers, mouldy coffee? It’s bad for your health.
If you’re in the Clayton area and have any experience performing exorcisms, please let our incoming officers know by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
The National Union of Students (NUS), who we love with all our hearts, had their National Conference in December. As you might expect, an institution as respected as the NUS had in attendance at their conference an extremely representative and enthusiastic group of student leaders, who were prepared to engage in productive and lively debate on the things that matter. A record number of motions were passed, and there was time left over at the end for additional discussion on some of the more important issues of the day. Everybody left the conference in high spirits, ready to hit the ground running in 2018 and deliver real results for ordinary students.
No, but seriously.
A former Monash Environment and Social Justice (ESJ) officer wasting $10,000 of student money by having an hour-long temper tantrum and refusing to leave the conference floor.
The National Labor Students bloc trying to delay discussion three separate times by putting up a joke motion about the Greens being Liberals.
Approximately seven million sheets of paper being digested per hour to prevent motions being read by the chair.
That’s all we’ve got for you this time, Patrollers. We’ll see you around, and remember – no one is safe.
xoxo Hack Patrol.
*Trot: Short for Trotskyite, a colloquialism for a member of the stupol** faction Socialist Alternative.
**Stupol: Student politics – the stuff we froth, and the stuff we’ll be reporting on each edition this year.
***NUS: Network of Useless Shits