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My Everything

Words by Anonymous

 

“Y’know, I think I’ve given you my everything…” you said thoughtfully, lacing your fingers through mine. I smiled back at you, looking into those dark brown eyes that always drew me in, like endless caverns that I could never see the other side of. You moved your hands back and forth to get me to sway to the music with you, and I laughed at the cheesiness of it all, ignoring my shyness and leaning in so I could catch just a little more of your warmth. The way your skin felt, the way you sounded – you were everything I’d ever wanted. It was at that moment I realised that you’d be the one to change me – and the one that could hurt me the most… 

Three months later, I squinted at the road, trying to see through the liquid threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes into all the world. I wanted – no, needed – to get home so I could wrap my arms around myself and nurse this hurt. I couldn’t handle seeing you do that again. I couldn’t handle being called crazy for sensing what I did… 

I remember the day I showed you my home for the first time. We were cuddling on the grass between two trees in the vineyard near my house, looking at the mountains that stretched across the horizon like an eagle’s wings, when the skies opened. The hail pelted our skin, soaking my hair and ruining my makeup as we ran hand-in-hand towards my car, panting and laughing so hard I thought I’d break. I’ve still never felt so alive. That day was the beginning of my addiction – the one that still sends withdrawals rips through my chest whenever I walk by the kitchen sink where we used to dance while making breakfast together in the mornings, or the bed where I used to feel so safe with your arms wrapped around me. 

Loving someone who promises you the world but makes you feel like nothing when it really counts is something corrosive, burning, disfiguring – slipping through your tongue and into your core. It twists you into someone you barely recognise – someone who knows this isn’t all they are, but keeps coming back for more, because their soul aches for the way only you can make them feel. If I was really the “perfect” girl you “just knew” was right – the one your life feels “empty” without, then how could you do this to me? How could you jump into loving me like a child jumps into a puddle – completely disregarding all consequences? You chased our moments, without willing to sacrifice your vices. You built me up just to knock me down, and I lost myself forcing puzzle pieces into places they didn’t belong. 

Hopefully somewhere, in an alternate universe, you actually give me your everything like you pretend you did, and we live that life – the one I dreamed of.  There would be little red flowers I’ve planted by the gate just to make you happy, and a little boy that looks just like you but with my eyes. But in this life, we’re strangers that know each other inside and out, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it…

Lot's Wife Editors

The author Lot's Wife Editors

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