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My Trans Experience with Loneliness

Words by Ambrose

 

My life is currently at a crossroads. The path to the left leads to a life where I live as someone I am not. Dissatisfied, lost, and miserable. To my right the path leads to self-acceptance and authenticity paired with an indefinite struggle to be who I really am. Both paths lead to hardship. No matter which route I choose, my life will surely be difficult. 

Lately when I glance into the mirror, I feel disconnected with the person on the other side. The girl I saw in there isn’t me. There was nothing particularly wrong with the girl in the reflection. She looked just like you’d expect a girl in her 20s to look and yet, I no longer feel as though she represented me. I thought perhaps I was just depressed or was experiencing some sort of dissatisfaction with life. However, this depersonalisation ran far deeper than that. 

 I soon came to realise why I always felt so out of place when surrounded by cisgender women. I realised why during a night of partying with some friends. My friends all seemed comfortable with who they were. They were all lovely and kind to me – yet I still felt alone and isolated. I pondered this for some time that night. Maybe all this time, the reason I felt so different from the women around me was because I simply was not a woman. But I am not a man either. I am something more masculine that lies both between and outside the gender binary.

The life I had led for the past 22 years – what I had been building up for myself…was it all for nothing? Had I been lying to myself all this time?

 

I spent a lot of time mourning the life I felt like I was giving up. I really felt like I had to try and rediscover who I am and who I want to be in the future. I did not feel strong enough to be transgender. I was scared, lonely and didn’t feel like anyone understood how I felt. 

 

Things got darker and living day-to-day got harder.

 

However, there are a few people and places that made life more tolerable. I find solace by participating in the broader trans and gender diverse community. For the most part, other trans people have been extremely welcoming of me. 

 

Thanks to them, I can find the strength to persevere. Even on the hardest days.

 

I am starting to feel more at ease about who I really am. Despite still having rough days, I feel less afraid to do things that help me feel more masculine. 

The euphoria I experience when I can be myself is beautiful.

 

I still mourn for the woman I used to be. She was kind, strong and hard working. 

However, that person just isn’t me. I feel nervous, yet excited to further explore who I am. 

 

To live as my true, authentic self someday is what I want most.

 

Ambrose

The author Ambrose

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