A shadowy figure is perched on top of a tall building overlooking the busy streets of Gotham. Their cape billows in the wind, casting a sinister silhouette against the night sky. Sirens suddenly blare in the distance, swelling in a crescendo. A crazed cackling and gunshots echo across the city. The figure turns their head towards the chaos.
FIGURE The city needs me.
Their armour gleams in the moonlight, a dark knight to defend the citizens of Gotham from the threats of those who wish to bring chaos and harm to its streets. The figure straightens up to a stand, but pauses suddenly and looks down at their crotch area.
The figure steps into frame, the moon and street lights from below illuminating their face and entire torso to reveal a woman, clad in a jet black armoured body suit, a bright red lipsticked scowl underneath a bat mask. Batwoman turns to face the camera.
BATWOMAN Don’t you hate it when you stand up on your period, only to feel like half the contents of your uterus has fallen out in the span of a few seconds?
She turns to face a camera on the side and the shot changes to follow her.
BATWOMAN Normal sanitary products always leave me feeling like I’m wearing a glorified adult diaper. They’re uncomfortable and even the most absorbent ones do little to combat my heavy flow.
She turns back to face the front camera head on.
BATWOMAN Now what’s a woman to do?
She disappears in a twirl of her cape, only to reappear clutching a pink translucent menstrual cup.
BATWOMAN Say hello to the new menstrual product, the hero Gotham deserves – the Diva Cup™!
Camera zooms in on the cup brandished by Batwoman, then a close up of her beaming face, switching to a wide shot again.
BATWOMAN The Diva Cup™ can hold up to 30 ml of menstrual flow and can be kept in for up to twelve hours! That’s twelve hours I don’t have to waste worrying about if I’ll leak all over my enemies as I send them flying through the air into the Marvel Universe with a roundhouse kick!
Sirens start blaring again and sadistic cackling can be heard. Batwoman turns to the noise.
BATWOMAN Excuse me, I have business to attend to.
She jumps down from the building, landing in the middle of the streets of Gotham. A cluster of police cars in pursuit of the Joker, cackling as he rides two motorbikes at once, one foot on each with a revolver in each hand, shooting into the sky.
BATWOMAN (muttering to herself) What the fuck.
She presses a button on her arm that seemingly triggers a signal. A moment later the batmobile speeds towards them, stopping right in the path of the Joker. Speeding towards the batmobile, there is no time to swerve and the Joker brakes his motorbike so hard that they both topple over and he falls off, rolling back onto his feet. The police cars screech to a halt, surrounding him.
BATWOMAN Just what do you think you’re doing?
JOKER (smirking) Having fun?
BATWOMAN No more fun for tonight, surrender.
Police officers edge towards the Joker but he points his guns towards them, making gunshot sounds provocatively at them.
JOKER The night is still young. Let me play some more.
BATWOMAN Gotham isn’t your playground for you to endanger the lives of citizens for your own amusement.
JOKER (cackling) Aww what a party pooper – are you on your period or something?
BATWOMAN As a matter of fact I am.
JOKER (looks visibly uncomfortable) Oh –
BATWOMAN Does the natural workings of the menstruating human body make you feel uncomfortable?
JOKER (uncomfortable) … yes –
BATWOMAN Ha! I have discovered your weakness – anything to do with menstruation!
Batwoman reaches into her pockets and pulls out two menstrual cups, brandishing them as weapons in her fists. The Joker looks apprehensively at them.
BATWOMAN (tauntingly) You know what these are?
JOKER (gulps) Some kind of portable drinking device?
BATWOMAN (sadistically) No, these are for catching menstrual blood when I’m on my period. What makes these products stand out from the typical pads or tampons that you no doubt would try to avoid the aisle entirely in a supermarket, is that these cups are reusable! They are made of strong durable silicone, perfect for sticking inside my vagina every month, or using as nunchucks to kick your ass!
Batwoman jumps at the Joker, who is frozen in extreme discomfort at hearing about vaginas, periods and menstruation products, and enacts impressive martial arts moves to knock him down, punching him with the aid of the versatile Diva Cup™.
The Joker passes out, dropping to the ground. As a final touch, she suctions one cup on the top of his head, a perverse unicorn, as a parting gift to him for when he wakes up. Batwoman stands in front of his unconscious body and turns towards the camera.
BATWOMAN (hand on her hip, winking) And that’s why I choose the Diva Cup™.
The bat signal beams bright and high into the skies of Gotham. Batwoman turns to face the backdrop of the night and smiles.