Team Australia

This article was originally published in Lot’s Wife Edition 6: Parody

In an era when the public broadcasters appear to take everyone’s side but Australia’s and lack a basic affection for the home team, it’s easy to forget just how well Team Australia is performing and how hard they are working to reclaim this nation’s proud sporting history. Ably overseen by manager Tony Abbott, whose ability to condense complex tactical instructions into three-word chants is second to none, Team Australia’s starting eleven is stronger than it has been in decades. In goal and leading the defence against the hordes of incoming opposition players is Scott Morrison, who has not conceded a single goal since his promotion to this position last September.

Looking calm and confident between the posts, Morrison has gone to great lengths to avoid letting the public know exactly how Team Australia is going about reclaiming control of their defence, which was horribly exposed for the six years prior, with some concerned that his defensive strategy may go against the internationally recognised rules of the game (to which Team Australia is a signatory). Fans shouldn’t be too concerned by this accusation, however, since many players from opposing sides came into their squad through the back door, jumping ahead of others who are waiting patiently in the queue for their chance to play.

Morrison is supported by rock solid central defenders Christopher Pyne and Greg Hunt, who have rejected calls for Team Australia to modernise their game, seemingly determined to cling to the traditional tactics which has brought so much success in the past. Malcolm Turnbull continues his role at right back, despite the claims of some commentators that he might secretly harbour ambitions to reclaim his old position as manager. A certain amount of controversy surrounds Frances Abbott’s place in the starting line-up, with critics claiming that she might not have earned it through merit but rather have been gifted it due to her generally cordial relationship with the managing staff. However, these claims have been stringently denied by the selectors, and it is our duty as Australians to give Team Australia the benefit of the doubt. Furthermore, the manager’s decision to employ Ms. Abbott as a scantily-clad cheerleader in addition to her defensive duties has proven popular amongst fans.

Further up the pitch, Joe Hockey’s absolute conviction in Team Australia’s policy for players from disadvantaged backgrounds to “take responsibility for the way they play the game” and “not to rely on the support of their teammates” has earned him the captain’s armband. He’ll play just behind Rupert Murdoch, whose loyalty to Team Australia has never wavered despite now playing his club football overseas. Generally keeping a low profile on the pitch, Murdoch prefers to weave his magic behind the scenes, expertly manipulating the crowd’s loyalties to Team Australia’s advantage. Back from suspension and making waves down the right wing is Andrew Bolt, whose stubborn belief in his own competence despite all evidence to the contrary remains his best asset, whilst Gina Reinhart, Team Australia’s highest earner, rounds off the midfield.

That’s right people, Abbott has selected TWO women in Team Australia’s starting line-up. He would have liked to have included more but couldn’t find any others willing to take part in the traditional post-game communal shower. George Brandis retains his place up front despite his recent failure to get past Clive Palmer in the senate and Erik Abetz replaces former fan’s favourite Rolf Harris, whose gentle, playful demeanour allowed him to lull the opposition into a false sense of security before ruthlessly exploiting gaps left by young and inexperienced opposition defenders. With such players at their disposal, Team Australia looks capable of competing on the world stage, but only with the absolute support of the fans. Don’t even think about questioning Team Australia’s tactics. You’re either with us or against us.

Tags : Parody
Angus Roche

The author Angus Roche

Angus Roche is a final year Arts student majoring in Spanish and International Studies who's got nearly half a dozen matches on Tinder. Since graduating from high school he has spent as much time as possible outside the country, interviewing sex workers in India, drinking obscene amounts of coffee in Italy and (somehow) surviving a year on exchange in Mexico. ¡Qué disfruten del año!

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