“In your opinion, what is the best kind of pizza?”
D: The free kind.
Q: None! Pizza is greasy and grease gives you acne. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“How do I make a statement?”
D: A statement is a sentence that declares something, and doesn’t end with an exclamation or question mark. To make one, you- oh, you meant a social statement? Well, I heard meat dresses are getting popular.
Q: The biggest statement you can make is not making a statement. Just try to blend in, while looking slightly better than everybody else. Trust me, trying to stand out in a crowd just makes you look desperate. This way, people will respect you for your confidence and cuteness, but if you don’t have either, it’s probably better that you don’t draw attention to yourself anyway.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’m getting kind of freaked out. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my time on Earth? What is my purpose in life?”
D: Your purpose in life is the same as everybody else’s; to grow up, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids to please your parents before they die, and then watch your kids have kids before you die. You’re here to continue the incredible cycle of life.
Q: Purpose? You mean, something more than striving to achieve the cutest look you can?
“Do you have any motivational study tips?”
D: Motivate yourself with the knowledge that getting good grades means you’ll get into college and out of your hometown.
Q: You don’t need to study! If you date a guy from your class, he can help tutor you.
D: By ‘help tutor you’, do you really mean ‘do your assignments for you’?