Words by Zoe Kelly
Art by Zoe Elektra
Content warning: reference to mental illness
Imagine the feeling
Of putting glasses on for the first time
That moment you see leaves on the trees
And realise you were missing the feeling
Of feeling alive
Now close your eyes
And imagine you’re walking
Not knowing where you’re going
But feeling every step you take
Reverberate
With the beating of your heart
As you let that thought go
Sit down in this room with me
And take comfort in the way you breathe
Because that’s all we have left
And now it’s so quiet
Now I miss the way it feels to hurt
Or to love
Maybe you could tell me the difference
Or maybe neither of us know
What those feel like anymore
You describe growing up
Like riding a bike
You start with shaky steps
But before you know it
You’re flying
(So why do I still skin my knees on the way down?)
And do you ever wonder what it costs
To pretend that growing can heal us?
I ask myself
If those scars are permanent
Or if I can peel away away the memories
Like paperbark between my fingers
And forget
I walk with eyes half closed now
In that place between light and dark
Because the light still hurts my eyes
Reality slips away
And I let the silence pull me in
Until my mind is not my own anymore
I pull at my own frayed edges
Trying to unravel them
As if they could give me a reason
To hold onto the feeling
Of feeling alive
So tell me I’m crazy
To chase something already gone
But I just want to open my eyes
Without hurting
I just want
To see those leaves again
