CreativeSatire & Comedy

How To Be The Best ‘Modern Man’ You Can Be

Illustration by Kelly Simpson-Bull


Men. Lads. Fellas. Boys. Blokes. Mates. However you salute your fellow man.
It feels like the pressure on us to be gentleman with the women and down at the pub with our mates is ever increasing. But of course, we are up to the challenge.
After having mulled on what we have to do to conquer our critics, I wanted to help out blokes experiencing the same questions. This is how I wrote out this list, and reckon it’ll serve some of you well. Life is all about sticking up for your mates. Your mum, girlfriend, brothers and mates will thank you for sticking to these core principles.

  1. Shake hands with everybody
    Let’s be honest, there isn’t much better than a good handshake. Part and parcel of a good handshake is a firm, tight grip. The ‘shake’ shouldn’t be brief. I estimate that the optimal time is about 7.8 seconds, and nothing less. It is a display of power and initiative. It’s even better if you initiate the handshake.
    Now, there can never be too many handshakes per day. I advise you to shake the hand of cab drivers, past classmates you haven’t seen for 10 years, and especially your girlfriend’s dad. It’ll be sure to impress them, and it’ll show the world your a man of action.
  2. Always pay for everything
    Money is pretty sweet. It lets us buy Tommy Hilfiger clothes, grog and many other great male-orientated things. Money is power.
    That’s why when you go out on a date, you have to pay for everything, especially dinner and a movie (take ‘em to either Will Ferrell-esque comedies or Steven Seagal action movies). It sends a strong signal to your girl that you are that man able to take care of her. It doesn’t hurt to be kind, and maybe you’ll get something in return later.
    The same applies when you go out with your mates- always shout them for the first round. This shows them you’re an indispensable member of the group. Even better, you show them that you aren’t tight with money- a real show of power.
  3. Hang out in big groups of other men
    If you go out for a lads night, don’t go out with one or two of them.
    Go out with 8 or more of them. There’s no better sight down Swanston street on a Saturday night than a group of serious, ready-to-party blokes strutting down the street, taking up the whole path. The women won’t be able to resist- and that scrawny little guy walking home from playing ‘Pokemon Go’ will wish he was one of you.
    It is also imperative that you don’t waste your man-power. Make sure people know you’re in a group amongst your mates. Yell loudly, and talk over bystanders. Walk like you own the town.
  4. Don’t be afraid to be stylish
    One of the best things about the evolution of being a man is that there’s no shame to pay attention to style. Having said that, though, be careful of these ‘hipsters’ and never shop at Target.
    If you want to be a presence wherever you are, a good hairstyle is essential. Manbun, gelled-up hair, whatever suits you. A good Tommy or Ralphy shirt or polo is a must for any man serious about impressing his mates and the girls. Nice cologne (between $80 and $200) will only help your chances when your out there in the nightlife.
  5. When you go out: dance, but not too vigorously and don’t act like you like it
    In the past, it was weak to go out and dance at nightclubs, but times have now changed. Beware, though, modulating your dancing is a key. Doing this will impress your mates, and even better, catch the eye of many beautiful ladies.
    In my experiences, I have found the finger-wag and controlled head movement to be pretty sweet dance moves out on the floor. It allows you to still scout out the women and the competition without seeming to ‘into’ emotion and the music playing. In fact, playing it cool is essential. Only when you are able to latch onto a girl dancing alone is it acceptable to get more serious about things. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in this situation, quick, abrupt dance moves will serve you well. Get especially close to the girl, ideally from behind.
  6. Stare at girls when you are trying to attract them
    With girls confidence is key. You have to show them, and yourself, that you mean business. The most effective way of getting the attention of a girl is strong eye contact. Staring relentlessly and without blinking is the most pure way to do this. Deliberately staring at a girl with her friends from across the bar is a powerful way of channelling that you want her.
    Ideally, standing with your head slightly turned, staring, will give you a more handsome, manly profile that she won’t be able to resist.
  7. Stare at guys walking down the street to show them you mean business
    The staring ‘plan of attack’ also goes for other guys. Whether your by yourself or with mates, if you see another pack or a guy by himself a strong stare is a must. It shows your prey that you own the town, and lets them know not to mess with you. Even greater importance is attached to this if you are with your girl, as you need to send a clear message for them to back right off. Once at Rats I was there with my missus and this guy walked up to her and whispered in her ear, asking her if she’d seen some movie Raging Buck. I stared at him the whole time and he fucked off. That’s what that staring does- it scares blokes off. Even if the bloke is on the other side of the road, make sure you meet his eyes with strong eye contact. It’s a sign of your position on the top of the food chain. Walk like you own the town.
  8. Take your sporting life seriously
    The sporting field is a great place where you can prove yourself a man. For whatever sport you play: cricket, footy, rugby, baseball (not netball unless there is girls on your team), it is a great place to show your physical superiority. This is important for any man’s psychology, and equally important to put down any man who is not at your level. For cricket, this can be achieved by bowling bouncers at 15-year-old kids, abusing the umpire, and tensing your biceps powerfully when you take a wicket. On Saturday night, discussion of your physical feats with your mates and female suitors is a great way to impress.
  9. Be the funniest and the centre of attention
    The best way to stand out and be remembered is to be the life of the party. Wearing clothes that exhibit your best physical features (usually biceps and pecks) goes some way, but being a comedian is probably the most foolproof way. These two things combined are irresistible. Some jokes guarantee to kill: anything Harambe-related, jokes about Trump, and jokes about you bashing clowns. Always make sure to dab.
  10. If you feel insecure or threatened, either try to belittle the person causing those feelings, or passively-aggressively play-fight with them (especially if girls are around)
    If theres ever a bloke questioning you, or trying to make out that you’re not a real man, DO NOT TAKE IT. If this is done in a social setting, do either one of two things:
    a. Divert attention away from what was said about you by ruthlessly attacking the person making the allegation/attack the weakest bloke there. A hint of comedy in this is good to insert, but still make it clear you are ripping into their character. E.g. a good small-dick comment is reliable.
    b. Play fighting with whoever talks shit about your manliness is a good way to reassert your male power. Act like you have taken it well and just want to engage in some fun male bonding, but underneath that try your best to hurt and injure the bloke without showing that you wanted to. People will just think that you are naturally strong if you do that. It is also a good way to release the anger that is surely eating away at you. The most important thing here is to make sure you’re manliness is not questioned. And if you react well, then it will get you a bit of silent praise from your mates and the girls will think that your above your mates and the man for her.


Lot's Wife Editors

The author Lot's Wife Editors

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